April 4th, 2020
It all began as a soft whisper, barely audible in the haze of external voices shouting in every direction. It whispered strange things, scary things- things acutely distinguishable from the shouts of the crowd. And so I didn’t listen.
Days passed, in time becoming months and yet the voice kept up it’s hushed murmur, and eventually I found myself drawn to it, as though the voice was a siren in the distant sea. The more decipherable the voice became, the more it mesmerized me, engulfing me in a hazy day dream too different from the life I’d grown accustomed to. And so I didn’t listen.
The voice in my head was tentative and uncertain, while the caterwaul of the world outside was firm and resolute. Perhaps it was truly a siren, luring me into deciet me. How could I forsake the sanctity of conformity in favor of an obscure, doubtful path? And so I didn’t listen.
At first, it was easy not to listen, to ignore the voice entirely. In fact, in the beginning it was rewarding: the blinding illusion of numbers were enough to satisfy me and put a smile on my face. But it wasn’t long before I realized it wasn’t enough. Eventually, the numbers and my happiness ceased to allign and I grew unhappy. It was an empty, meaningless sadness that I kept trying to fill the wrong commodity – better results.
At some point, I became a machine. I didn’t know where I ended and the numbers that defined me began. I kept working, kept working, kept working, until one day I couldn’t. I genuinely could not convince myself to get up and continue the hustle for numbers I didn’t even want and so for the first time, I drowned out everyone else’s voice and listened to my own. I took the steps necessary to find my sanity, my smile again. I began working on this blog, I indulged myself in creating art, and I quit the activities that didn’t align with my priorities.
Did my life completely flip around as soon as I made the decision? No. Did I instantly become a happier person because of it? No. But it was a start, and it was a start I am glad I finally gave into. As a result of that start, I gained a better understanding of my priorities. That start helped me see life as a world of possibilities rather than as a mundane hamster wheel. Most importantly, however, that start gave me the confidence to say “no” to the sounds outside when my own voice demanded attention.
It took me over 2 years of constant debate with myself to realize that the only thing holding me back from a new beginning was my own reluctance to trust myself. It took me over 2 years to realize that just because the goals I have are different from others around me does not make them impossible. It took me over 2 years to understand that my priorities and my responsibilities can coexist so long as I don’t try to fill my plate with unnecessary excess.
Of course, I am still plagued by uncertainty. I still wonder if I am simply delirious or if am truly headed in the right direction. The only thing I am certain about is that the path I am taking ignites something within me that is worth holding on to and that is how I know that any hurdles that may occur as a byproduct will be worth it.
In an obscure world, the voice in your head is perhaps the most clarity you will ever receive (even though it may not always seem so), so let that whisper in your mind grow loud enough to extinguish the distracting screams that pull in all directions but one that is right for you.
-Cahira K.
